Running from lions never felt like such a mistake

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I NEED PEOPLE TO TAKE THIS SURVEY FOR ME PLEASE I’LL LOVE YOU
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Do you know the thing that hurts me the most? That all of my friends have friends that don’t like me, and they go and hangout with them and let them say things about me, they encourage them, they join right in. They’ve never defended me. Okay I’ve said things about my friends when I’m mad, but it’ll be a cold day n hell before I let some outsider friend talk badly about my friends. I don’t accept that, it makes me angry and I jump in and defend them even when I’m mad at them. And all they ever do in return is talk shit about me.  You know if you have so many negative things to say about me, why did you waste so much of my time? We never had to be friends I could’ve found truer friends and been happy with my life, but you all lead me on and none of you actually like me. And now I’m alone and what the fuck am I supposed to do? It’s too late to make new friends. I can’t enjoy my birthday, I can’t enjoy class day, graduation, prom , summer. Like I just don’t have any reason to exist. 

So, I mess up a lot. But I’m human. I don’t usually think about what I’m saying, and sometimes I hurt people. My actions confuse even myself sometimes, its like I have no control. It makes me mad because I know I have a good heart and good intentions, I put a lot of broken trust in people and when I tell them things I never think about how they’ll take it. I’m also terrible at minding my own business, like anything that involves the close people around me I like to know all about, so I do what I can to find things out. I know I shouldn’t do this, I know I should accept people like to keep things to themselves, but that’s just not how my brain works, it finds people completely fascinating and it wants to understand why people do the things they do. In a way I treat my friends like patients at a psychiatrist, I like to know everything in their life, and then put it all together and figure out how they think and then try to help them with their problems. I shouldn’t treat people like they’re crazy or they need help, I’m not a professional and I don’t know what I’m talking about. I know where I go wrong and I know from their point of view I seem controlling and nosy, but really overall my goal is to help them and make their lives better, even though I usually do the opposite. Aside from my OCD disorders I’ve been having a really tough time fully trusting anyone that they don’t say things about me and they are actually my friend, I literally feel like everyone’s out to get me and wants to hurt me, and I know that’s not true but the thought of its validity haunts me everyday. This problem started about two years ago this spring. Sometimes it’s okay, but it seems every spring since then especially things get really bad because it’s all I think about. I know it must be extremely annoying to hear me basically tell you how much I don’t trust you everyday by me saying “You hate me” “You don’t like me” “You’re going to ditch me” I know from the other side it shows how much I don’t trust people, and I know it’s pretty much impossible to be friends with someone you know doesn’t trust you. I realize this so I try to almost buy my friends off and tell them how much I care, but then it seems like I’m acting like I’m a way better friend and that they aren’t good enough. For a long time I didn’t accept the fact that this is my problem, I thought that if my friends stopped doing things to hurt me then I’d trust them and we wouldn’t have a problem. While they have done things that are almost unforgivable to me, I chose to forgive them and it should’ve been left at that. The fact that I don’t let things go and I don’t trust them again after that, makes them feel like the friendship is already lost so why bother. Well now that I’ve realized it’s my problem, instead of trying to figure everyone’s else’s lives out I’m going to focus on my own. I’m owning up for my actions and I sincerely do apologize. I don’t want to make excuses, yes I’ve been hurt a lot, but I don’t make the right decisions and I have been the cause of a lot of my own problems. I never wanted to drag anyone down with me and I’m truly sorry. I’m going to go talk to a psychiatrist, like for real I’m not just saying that. I started talking to my mom again so that she’d take me since I don’t want my dad to know, she called one already and I’m just waiting to hear back as to when they’ll meet with me,and as soon as they do I’m going. I will never fix anyone else’s life, the only person I can control is me, and I want to be the best person I can. I will fix my life, and I will try to be someone who is  able to be a more positive role in other’s lives instead of negative. 

So today Bartlett and I were actually having a nice talk, and yeah we started talking about cars, he makes fun of the way Tommy’s car looks and to me that doesn’t matter because Tommy said Bartlett’s car looked gay, and I don’t agree with the way Tommy presents his car, which I’ve told him. But somehow the conversation turns into a discussion about random people, and that’s when Bartlett says ” tell me I’m cuter than that ugly kid” He wasn’t talking about Tommy, at this point he was talking about someone else, someone else who I consider my friend. I kinda went off and said how I’ve never thought they were ugly and I think they’re adorable and I was not answering his question more than that, then he asks Crystal and she says ” I can’t tell you, Cassidy will get mad.” Um. None of my friends are ugly and I’m not going to let anyone say they are, I don’t understand why these people think they are but it just makes me really mad. And to answer Bartlett’s question,he’s far from ugly and only in your dreams will you ever be as cute as him mmkayyy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KyXpiRaF2Pw

I know I shouldn’t care what people say about me, but when someone who used to be my friends that I trusted very much says things about me it really gets to me. Recently two people who I haven’t talked to in months to a year made some mean comments about me. The thing is, I was like their biggest supporter, all I mainly say is good things about them, that is if I ever talk about them and I don’t understand why randomly they both decided to say things about me on the same day last week, these people don’t even know each other it’s just weird. My problem is, I’m not even mad at them, when people say things about me I usually just feel bad about myself especially if that person was once my friend, even if they aren’t anymore, when they were I opened up to them and I thought they knew me well, so if they say I’m an “asshole” or a “drama starter” or I’m “annoying” and I “exist to bring everyone else down” well then I believe it, and I feel awful. I don’t understand why people I’m not friends with anymore can’t just leave me alone, I always miss all my friends when they are not in my life regardless of the reason, I know sometimes I chose not to talk to people, but it’s never because I hate them, or I don’t love them anymore,it’s just I can’t figure out how to handle them in my life at the moment. Today my dad called one of my friends a loser, now I’m not really talking to this person right now, but my dad randomly said this, I was watching a documentary on Chris Brown and I hear him tell my grandma my friend is a loser. I have never been so angry with my dad I swear. My dad is 36, and he’s completely forever alone going to wrestling conventions, if anything he’s a loser. None of my friends are losers and I don’t know why but anyone who calls them that really ticks me off, that’s like the thing that has bothered me the most. This is the second time this month someone called my friends losers and I swear the next person who does it is getting a piece of my mind. You don’t understand what my friends and I go through in our personal lives, all my friends have very interesting and unique interests and personalities, they’re all very lively and fun to be around, they don’t do trashy things, and the bad things they have done doesn’t define them or make a difference to me, they will always be far from 90% of the trash in Niagara Falls, I’m glad I found them and I’m glad to call them my best friends. Everyone else is a loser in my opinion.

I know that post probably doesn’t make sense since I talked about two things, but that’s what’s on my mind today.

So today was the first day back to school after spring break. I was so scared to go back. Nothing fantastic happened today, so maybe it doesn’t make sense that  I’m in a good mood, but I think the fact that nothing bad happened was enough to cheer me up. So I spent my entire break being angry and upset. I’ve never been able to understand why some of my friends make me angry when they do things, and others make me sad. Obviously my relationship with each person is different. What I love most about my friends is their individual uniqueness, but even with us all being so unique, we fit together well. Today I was thinking, I always get the maddest at my friends that actually care about me, the ones that text me over and over when I don’t answer, the ones that send me giant paragraphs apologizing when we fight. I think my problem is that I know these people care about me, and since they’re always there for me, I have a lot of trust and respect for them, so when they do something stupid that makes me mas, I get really mad, because it’s like I don’t expect it from them, I expect them to always be perfect to me. I understand I expect a lot out of people, and that no one is perfect and we’re all still young even though we’re beginning to be officially labeled adults and we’re all going to make wrong decisions, we’re all going to be a little two faced and we’re all going to get jealous of things. I personally say a lot of things I don’t mean, and I don’t know how to control my anger half the time. I don’t know how to traffic my emotions and thoughts through my head effectively. All I know is, I care about my family and their opinions a lot more than I let on. I’m so lucky to have met all my friends, they’re the greatest. There have been several points in my life that I was in a really bad place and unknowingly someone would text me something that made me feel much better, some of the simplest things said to me have stuck by me and have given me hope “You belong here with us” “I thought you were Cassidy Campana, my best friend” ” I have never hated her a day in my life” “You’re an amazing friend, you care and you’re always there.” “I talk to you more than anyone, you’re my favorite person to talk to” “You’re the best friend I could ask for” “Hey angel, smile cause I love you alright?” ” You are super important to me.” “In case the world ends today I just want you to know that I love you and I always have even when we stopped talking, and I didn’t want to regret not telling you if something happens” “All you do is give yourself away and you never get anything in return, I love you you’re my best friend” “I can’t imagine my life without you.” Those were just some examples from old conversations I like to look back on of things my friends have said to me that I adore, maybe I don’t get appreciated everyday, but when I do it’s perfect. and that’s why I try to be everyone’s rock. Like no matter what I’m not going away, I’m always kind there for these people, if they ever needed me I’d be there, I’d walk to wherever on earth they were, I’d text them back as quick as I could, I’d lend them all the money I have. They can drop me for their boyfriends, I’ll buy them ice cream when they break up. I’ll defend them in fights, I’ll physically dry their tears and remind them how important they are to me. I know I don’t deserve great people in my life, and I certainly don’t deserve them being nice to me, but I shouldn’t care about that, I shouldn’t be childish and try to hurt people if they hurt me. I should really tell Tommy more how I appreciate how he drives me to and from school, even if I pay him, he comes no matter what whether he is going to school or not. He never let me walk in a snow storm, he rushes to my house when I’m upset and he sends me some of the nicest texts. If it wasn’t for Crystal I’d be so alone in school and work, she is the only friend I have with those connections that I can rant about that stuff with, I know she doesn’t completely understand me yet, but she tries really hard to be my friend and be friends with my friends and I don’t always appreciate that. And the one time I had an anxiety attack in front of her and she cried with me, when I fought IT on new years she was the only one who cried. Holly has been my friend the longest and she’s always been there for me, I feel really bad that she fees like I pushed her out of my life in a way, because I wouldn’t want her to leave there are so many things we’ve gone through that no one else would ever understand. I have other friends but I’m not going to go into detail and make personalized things since no one will read this, but those were just some examples of why I appreciate them.

Moral of the story, I need to work on forgiving people, staying in a positive mood and showing people I appreciate them. 

I’ve been so upset that I can’t trust anyone, but I must put in an effort to get people to treat me well, no one deserves anything in life, you have to work for what you want and treat people how you want to be treated, and though you may go through some tough times, many have said it’s all worth it in the end.

                                                                                                             4/8/13

So it’s past midnight on the last night of break and I’m alone, but that’s nothing new recently. I really wish people would stop lying to me and letting me down, the thing is, no one understands. I’ve tried to hammer it into my friends heads exactly what makes me upset and exactly what not to do and they all do it anyways. I’ve had dermatillomania since I can remember. Dermatillomania is a subdivision of OCD where you pick at your skin, I’ve read up on it a lot. I found that it’s very closely related to another disorder I started when I was around 11 trichotillomania which is pulling out your hair. I found out that they are caused by a mutation on a gene, so they’re genetic, but they manifest due to anxiety. I also found out the most common age that trichotillomania comes about at is 11. For years I just thought I was weird, or it wasn’t a big deal. But a few years ago I googled my symptoms and these fit me so well. I used to make up excuses for everything, I hate lying, when I lie I feel really bad. One time the doctor asked me what was wrong with my thumb, for awhile when I was younger my thumb was really messed up from the dermatillomania and I lied and said I accidentally cut it and the skin tore off. When I was in 6th and 7th grade my trichotillomania was really bad. I pretty much cut myself off from the world. I was so afraid of people seeing bald spots on my head I avoided people and pushed them away. I had zero friends in middle school and that’s how I wanted it. I had to wear my hair up everyday and comb it a certain way to hide bald spots. One time my mom did see them, she thought I had cancer, she seemed concerned but then completely  dropped the topic and never got me help. I used to go get my hair cut every few months but I was too afraid that a hair stylist would yell at me, so I convinced everyone I wanted to grow my hair long, even though I’ve always liked my hair short. I used to pull out entire strands, I thought if I pulled it from where my part was you wouldn’t notice because there is a space there already. I ended up having this gross looking gap on my head for awhile. Everywhere I went I left a pile of hair. My grandma never saw my bald spots but noticed my hair everywhere, she used to yell at me about it. One time I thought it would be okay to cut my hair, so my dad took me to super cuts and the lady obviously never seen someone like me because she gave me the meanest looks and judged me, although she said nothing to my dad. I told her my hair was like that because it got stuck on something and it ripped, she said “That’s a lot of hair to lose.” When I got to high school my anxiety got worse for obvious reasons, but I decided I needed to take it on differently, I really missed being around people, so I did everything I could to surround myself with good people, and I thought I did that. I did start to get better for awhile, I almost forgot about my problems, my hair grew, my nails grew, my thumb got better, I lost weight, I felt a lot better. But then it all started backfiring,my OCD causes me to be paranoid over losing people. I kind of became obsessed with thoughts that everyone was out to get me and no one cared about me, and my brain can find all the evidence in the world to prove it. I thought if I came out about my problems my friends would understand and try to deal with me,but it didn’t work,they actually didn’t seem to care at all. I feel like some of them think that my disorders are something I came up with for attention,and in an attempt to seek attention themselves they try and mimic them. It’s never been about attention, I didn’t tell a single person about these problems until I was about 15. When I was in 11th grade anxieties got much worse, between home problems, friend problems and now the thought of college and eventually my job too, it all became so much to deal with at once and my hair pulling became out of control again, only this time instead of pulling out strands I pull out dead ends. My hair got so damaged and uneven I had to cut it short, and I really feel like it’ll never be long again because ever since then I cannot stop. My skin picking has also gotten bad, especially when I’m at work I usually make my fingers bleed. All of this has left me feeling very self conscious on top of the anxiety and stress I already feel. I feel bad a lot of the time, but I always try to stop, I always try, yeah sometimes I’m in bad moods for awhile but I always try to improve them, nothing great ever happens in my life, but I try to be happy, and I try to deal with people and situations the best I can but sometimes I can’t. And sometimes the things people do just really break me down and all I want to do is run away, I want to leave everything behind and be anywhere else, I’d like to be anybody else. I really hate myself, I’ve been my own worst enemy since these disorders manifested, but I tried my hardest not to let them control me, and not to let them win. It seems that they might have though. As pieces of hair fall to my keyboard and my headache from my anxiety attack sets in, I feel like I should end this. The reason I wrote this was because these articles say that a good way to stop these problems, is whenever your having an anxiety attack, to write what you’re feeling, keeping your fingers and your mind occupied and away from the stress. I’m probably going to write a lot more on here, not anything malicious about anyone,just things about myself. I need to solve these problems, and since no one has ever tried to assist me I need to step it up for myself. I want to be the person I used to be before all this.